Rebirth
In early January, my family took a trip to Arizona. While there were quite a few messy and exhausting moments (what trip with kids isn’t?), we came away with many beautiful memories. We did quite a few hikes that were full of gorgeous views of the Red Rocks that never ceased to leave us in awe. I felt the urge to stop and take in (and capture - much to the annoyance of Alex and Ollie) the beauty of the landscape every few minutes. The colors, terrain, and plants were so different from what I’m accustomed to and I felt a deep sense of connection to nature and my place in the world.
On one of our last days, we set out on a hike to a spot called The Birthing Cave. This felt very fitting for me between the birth of our daughter in March and the fact that I work with mothers. It started off easy enough and then quickly became a major climb that involved using our hands to get up to the scenic overlook. Unfortunately, Alex (wearing Cora) couldn’t make it up, but Ollie and I pulled our way up to the cave and were rewarded with a spectacular view of Sedona. Looking out over the land felt like a “rebirth” in many ways.
Sometimes life is like a hike where you get lost on a more technical or challenging path. Maybe you worry about not finding your way back or going astray from the original plan. But then, miraculously (or serendipitously), it turns out even better than expected with a fantastic view and feeling of accomplishment. Perhaps parts of your life have veered away from what you originally envisioned, but it’s brought beautiful moments beyond what you imagined on the other side.
Reflecting on this idea made me realize that life is full of change and transitions and that suffering often happens when we’re not open to the ever-evolving nature of our being. Even though it’s my second time around postpartum, the physical and mental challenges are still very present in the same and new ways. Breastfeeding and mom guilt are two big ones that feel like frequent struggles that ebb and flow. My family life has also been tough in new ways with months of illnesses, Cora’s food allergies, and adjusting to the demands of caring for two kids with a husband who is in the midst of his busiest season ever and who travels often for work. My business hasn’t been able to flourish and unfold in the way I originally planned, but I’m fortunate to have the financial ability to be able to put our family first while still chipping away where I can.
Even when we think everything is going smoothly, change and disruption can pop up when we least expect it. Over the summer, my postpartum physical healing was going smoothly, and then I was in a car accident with Ollie. Being rear-ended was an uncontrollable factor that brought a shock to my system and hindered my physical and mental healing.
In the last few weeks, just when we got settled into a solid rhythm with Cora, everything changed again. Seeing a pattern here?
It doesn’t make it any easier when you’re sleep-deprived and all you want is some consistency and predictability. If babies are sick, going through a leap, or forming new connections in their brains, they can throw all sorts of new challenges your way and that’s exactly where we are right now as parents. Relinquishing control is hard, but just knowing that change is inevitable and that other parents go through these same challenges, makes it slightly easier.
Change and new challenges can feel hard and overwhelming, especially with sleep deprivation thrown in the mix, but bringing in some self-compassion can help. Here’s how an internal dialogue could look with the example above:
Mindful awareness - “Wow, here we go again. Another change is happening with my baby just when we worked out a great way of being. This is so frustrating.”
Common humanity - “This is part of the parenting experience. There is nothing wrong with me as a parent and this is merely a sign of my baby growing and changing.”
Kindness - “This is temporary and I have the strength and patience to get through this. I am doing the best I can with changing circumstances and sleep deprivation, and that is enough.”
Although it feels like I’ve gone astray from my expectations over the last year, at the end of the day, I feel like I am doing work that I find powerful and impactful - being a mom and helping other moms improve their wellness in sustainable ways. I’ve met some wonderful people both in professional and personal spaces. Hearing stories of moms and those who work with them brings me so much joy and these types of meaningful connections fuel me.
Perspective shifts seem small but can be an empowering part of the behavior change process. We can create all sorts of false narratives in our heads about how we’re not living up to some standard or not as happy/fulfilled/successful as we could be…BUT as soon as we control what’s in our minds, the better we feel and closer we are to living a purposeful, authentic, joy-filled life every day.
“Painful feelings are, by their very nature, temporary. They will weaken over time as long as we don’t prolong or amplify them through resistance or avoidance. The only way to eventually free ourselves from debilitating pain, therefore, is to be with it as it is. The only way out is through.”
— Kristin Neff
This is such a hard lesson and is always much easier said than done. If you’re anything like me, you know what could be good for your health and wellbeing, and yet it’s hard to make change - it took me asking for help from a whole team of people over this last year. You know who you are and I couldn’t have gotten through 2023 without you! I’m so grateful for the supportive people in my life, including you dear reader, that continue to show up and support me.
Maybe you’ve had a moment of realization like I did in The Birthing Cave: Everything is relative. Change is inevitable. Every moment is a new opportunity. Your mind is a powerful force and can turn into the source of your unhappiness if you let it. These rocky moments may seem hard and endless, especially in the midst of them, but you are stronger than you know and may even come out stronger on the other side. If you have the awareness but aren’t sure how to sit with the discomfort, try bringing some self-compassion to the experience.
Here’s to more connection. More joy. More self-compassion. May you have a beautiful 2024 :)
